I'm not fine; I'm hardly okay.

I've tried to talk myself up in all this to convince myself that I'm okay; that God and I are cool, and that everything is fine.

The truth is, I'm a wreck. I'm not happy. It's not that I'm not happy with him, because I am. He makes me happier than any guy I've ever been with. But I'm not happy when it comes to the physical portion.

I feel sick whenever we fool around, and the thought of having sex has gone past being something of excitement, and to a point where it's actually a complete turn-off.

I don't know how to explain all this to him. I don't even know how to explain it myself.

I feel like I'm falling apart.

An online friend e-mailed me recently about my posts. We've discussed back and forth a little bit what I've been suggesting through them, and I told her I wanted her to be completely honest with me. And she was. Honest enough that I got a virtual slap in the face hard enough that it actually forced me to stop ignoring my gut.

The truth is... I've been struggling for a while. Even between these posts and the attempt at humour with the whole thing. I figured if I just kept convincing myself that I want it this way and that I'm happy, I would believe it.

My friend wrote:" I do, however, deeply believe that there's no place for mediocre Christianity.  Yeah, there're always going to be mistakes.  I'd be the biggest hypocrite to pretend I don't make them every single day.  But they're mistakes.  God asks us to strive to follow him in every step.  That's what concerned me so much about your writing.  If you're not going to choose to try follow Christ's teaching, why bother pretending to be a Christian in the first place?"

And that's where the tonne of bricks came in. Isn't that the very message that I have strived to follow? Isn't that the very reason I rant and rave about the way so many in the church behave? Yet there I am, stumbling into the same category as the people who drive me up the wall.

I'm scared. I'm scared to sit down and tell the boyfriend that I can't do the sex thing anymore. I'm scared because I know he's not going to understand. He's not going to be able to understand the whole striving for purity and serving God through it. And what's worse is that I chose to start having sex with him, and now for him, I'm cutting him off completely.

How did I get this far so fast? How did I get so quickly knocked off course?

Finding my footing

Premarital sex is a sin.

I've grown up knowing that; having it nailed into my entire being. You do not have sex before you are married.

Sex is an act of worship between a man and his wife, celebrating the one-ness God gave them.

I knew this struggle would come. The moment I made my decision to start having sex with the bf, I knew there would be a point where I would have to figure out how this is going to mesh with my relationship with the Big Guy.

I've chosen to partake in something He has called sin. I'm willingly doing it. So how do I span that gap between God and myself, and keep a thriving relationship?

I've known Christians far stronger than me who have had sex, continue to do so, and yet are right on track with God. So how do I get to that point?

I know God's not going to turn away from me for this one choice. But now I have to wonder, am I separating myself from Him out of the guilt of knowing I'm doing something wrong? If that is the case, how do I move past that?

There are those I've known who have suggested that by blatantly choosing to do the opposite of what God asked, I am choosing to abandon my faith and committment to God. Yet Daniel, one of God's favourites did the same, and he still managed to keep God's favour.

I suppose like everything else in life it's a learning curve. But right now, the guilt is eating me up inside; not so much that I've given up my virginity, but that I'm lacking the guilt that should accompany.