Finding my footing

Premarital sex is a sin.

I've grown up knowing that; having it nailed into my entire being. You do not have sex before you are married.

Sex is an act of worship between a man and his wife, celebrating the one-ness God gave them.

I knew this struggle would come. The moment I made my decision to start having sex with the bf, I knew there would be a point where I would have to figure out how this is going to mesh with my relationship with the Big Guy.

I've chosen to partake in something He has called sin. I'm willingly doing it. So how do I span that gap between God and myself, and keep a thriving relationship?

I've known Christians far stronger than me who have had sex, continue to do so, and yet are right on track with God. So how do I get to that point?

I know God's not going to turn away from me for this one choice. But now I have to wonder, am I separating myself from Him out of the guilt of knowing I'm doing something wrong? If that is the case, how do I move past that?

There are those I've known who have suggested that by blatantly choosing to do the opposite of what God asked, I am choosing to abandon my faith and committment to God. Yet Daniel, one of God's favourites did the same, and he still managed to keep God's favour.

I suppose like everything else in life it's a learning curve. But right now, the guilt is eating me up inside; not so much that I've given up my virginity, but that I'm lacking the guilt that should accompany.

Sandra Dee and I have a lot in common...

I suppose in a way, I am like the modern day Sandra D. Or was.

Gosh, I was terrified of everything. From smoking and drinking, to doing anything with boys and dancing.

In college, I let loose a bit, but still was very cautious over what I did with guys. I had this idea that if I had sex, God would turn away from me and I would be done for. Or that I'd be one of those random cases you hear about who got prego the first time and that would be it. My story would be over. Donezo. Finito. Sandra Dee would fade away into the history pages, only to be remembered as that girl who caved to sex, got knocked up and threw away her future.

After a four year dating hiatus, I met this guy, and caved to sleeping with him. I realized waiting was doing more damage to myself because I wasn't actually sure why I was waiting, other than this inherent fear of pregnancy and disease.

The first time was... well, it was awkward, hurt like hell, but was awesome. I lost my virginity amongst a bunch of storage boxes, moldy blankets and cobwebs to a man I wasn't in love with, and I couldn't have been more proud.

Now, that man is my boyfriend, and frankly, I'm surprised that he's so patient with me in this learning process. I mean, I'm no expert, but so far, I don't think I'm that great in the sack... he seems to think I'm pretty good for a newb. Of course, that could still be a back-handed compliment.

Either way, it's a new adventure... this one just involves little to no clothing...

But, back to the point.

I, like Sandra Dee, came to the realization that sometimes, if you have a man worth holding onto, it's okay to let go of your fears and have a little bit of fun. And, like Sandra, I am learning to be fully proud of my sexual prowess, and maybe one day, I'll get to be that vixen in the bedroom that I've always dreamed of. For now, I'll settle for trial and error and wal-mart lingerie to get the mood going.