I've tried to talk myself up in all this to convince myself that I'm okay; that God and I are cool, and that everything is fine.
The truth is, I'm a wreck. I'm not happy. It's not that I'm not happy with him, because I am. He makes me happier than any guy I've ever been with. But I'm not happy when it comes to the physical portion.
I feel sick whenever we fool around, and the thought of having sex has gone past being something of excitement, and to a point where it's actually a complete turn-off.
I don't know how to explain all this to him. I don't even know how to explain it myself.
I feel like I'm falling apart.
An online friend e-mailed me recently about my posts. We've discussed back and forth a little bit what I've been suggesting through them, and I told her I wanted her to be completely honest with me. And she was. Honest enough that I got a virtual slap in the face hard enough that it actually forced me to stop ignoring my gut.
The truth is... I've been struggling for a while. Even between these posts and the attempt at humour with the whole thing. I figured if I just kept convincing myself that I want it this way and that I'm happy, I would believe it.
My friend wrote:" I do, however, deeply believe that there's no place for mediocre Christianity. Yeah, there're always going to be mistakes. I'd be the biggest hypocrite to pretend I don't make them every single day. But they're mistakes. God asks us to strive to follow him in every step. That's what concerned me so much about your writing. If you're not going to choose to try follow Christ's teaching, why bother pretending to be a Christian in the first place?"
And that's where the tonne of bricks came in. Isn't that the very message that I have strived to follow? Isn't that the very reason I rant and rave about the way so many in the church behave? Yet there I am, stumbling into the same category as the people who drive me up the wall.
I'm scared. I'm scared to sit down and tell the boyfriend that I can't do the sex thing anymore. I'm scared because I know he's not going to understand. He's not going to be able to understand the whole striving for purity and serving God through it. And what's worse is that I chose to start having sex with him, and now for him, I'm cutting him off completely.
How did I get this far so fast? How did I get so quickly knocked off course?
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Monday, September 13, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
And now the struggle comes in...
For the past several years, I have been a firm believer that inter-belief dating is a bad idea. Not that I'm one of those people who think that someone who doesn't believe the same as I do is evil, or a heathen or whatnot. But rather, because it is difficult to combine two lives completely when there is such a variance in belief.
I want to be able to share my life with the person I am with, and having a different faith makes that hard, because it's a part of my life I don't know how to share without to be forcing it on them. As much as I can handle them not believing the same, to some degree it does hurt, because I can't share in their joy of that either.
Last night, the boyfriend told me that while he does believe in God, he doesn't really know if he can connect with being a Christian, because he believes that all the religions must have something right. That if they're all combined together, that the answer is in there. He doesn't really like church, and though he will attend with me if I ask sometimes, he doesn't think the answer is there.
To some degree, I'm fine with this. I respect that he is searching for the truth instead of just accepting something being told with him. That he is willing to admit that while one might be right, until the search for truth leads him to that conclusion he's going to keep searching.
I love that he's not a blind sheep, conforming to rules and regulations just because.
But there's a part of me that is crestfallen, because this is going to make things a lot harder. It's going to be harder because everyone already is pestering me about the whole equally-yoked issue. Because my parents keep telling me they're terrified if he's not a Christian that I'm going to lose my faith (to which I point out if someone can change my faith then I clearly didn't believe in the first place).
Mom won't get off my back about the fact that he hasn't come to church with us yet.
That stuff is all hard, but it's expected. True; God says in the Bible we shouldn't be unequally-yoked. But I think it also says something that despite his faith, the BF is incredible, treats me like gold, and sincerely likes me, which is more than I can say about any other guys I've ever dated, including the Christian ones.
And honestly, the Christian ones are never actually interested in me. I'm either too extreme in my thinking (not extreme as in fundie, but as in open-mindedness), I'm too nerdy, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not this, I'm too much that. I often wonder if a lot of Christian guys have this idea in their head that the Christian women to be married are the ones who fit the 'ideal' Christian woman category, and that anything outside of it just isn't right.
But I'm rambling. I think my biggest struggle comes into play with the fear of showing him my God-passionate side. I don't want him to feel I'm trying to force my faith onto him, but for me, my faith is my life. I live it, I breathe it. I just don't want it to be too much.
I want to be able to share my life with the person I am with, and having a different faith makes that hard, because it's a part of my life I don't know how to share without to be forcing it on them. As much as I can handle them not believing the same, to some degree it does hurt, because I can't share in their joy of that either.
Last night, the boyfriend told me that while he does believe in God, he doesn't really know if he can connect with being a Christian, because he believes that all the religions must have something right. That if they're all combined together, that the answer is in there. He doesn't really like church, and though he will attend with me if I ask sometimes, he doesn't think the answer is there.
To some degree, I'm fine with this. I respect that he is searching for the truth instead of just accepting something being told with him. That he is willing to admit that while one might be right, until the search for truth leads him to that conclusion he's going to keep searching.
I love that he's not a blind sheep, conforming to rules and regulations just because.
But there's a part of me that is crestfallen, because this is going to make things a lot harder. It's going to be harder because everyone already is pestering me about the whole equally-yoked issue. Because my parents keep telling me they're terrified if he's not a Christian that I'm going to lose my faith (to which I point out if someone can change my faith then I clearly didn't believe in the first place).
Mom won't get off my back about the fact that he hasn't come to church with us yet.
That stuff is all hard, but it's expected. True; God says in the Bible we shouldn't be unequally-yoked. But I think it also says something that despite his faith, the BF is incredible, treats me like gold, and sincerely likes me, which is more than I can say about any other guys I've ever dated, including the Christian ones.
And honestly, the Christian ones are never actually interested in me. I'm either too extreme in my thinking (not extreme as in fundie, but as in open-mindedness), I'm too nerdy, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not this, I'm too much that. I often wonder if a lot of Christian guys have this idea in their head that the Christian women to be married are the ones who fit the 'ideal' Christian woman category, and that anything outside of it just isn't right.
But I'm rambling. I think my biggest struggle comes into play with the fear of showing him my God-passionate side. I don't want him to feel I'm trying to force my faith onto him, but for me, my faith is my life. I live it, I breathe it. I just don't want it to be too much.
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