Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows... I just really can't believe that.

Relationships scare the living shit out of me. Seriously.

I'm afraid to let myself believe that this is really happening. People talk about that fuzzy rainbows and butterfly phase as being something normal to every relationship. I haven't felt that since... well, since I got my heart ripped out, shredded into pieces and handed back to me nearly four years ago.

It's because of sunshine and rainbows that I stopped dating. From what I've seen, they're dangerous.

But this isn't so much about the danger of them, as it is an admittance of fear based around the fact that I now find myself incapable of feeling them even a little bit. I'm realizing it's possible that in my quest to stop myself from getting my heart stomped on because of my fairytale idea of romance that I perhaps went too far, numbing myself to being able to really feel at all.

I know I am definitely in like with my boyfriend. But I find myself shutting my emotions off before I even realize it. I wait for and prepare for the worst. Dwelling on the 'if we're together then' to keep my thoughts and emotions in check.

And perhaps, I read too much into his actions or lack-thereof in a way to feed into my defence mechanism of preparing for the worst.

The truth is, I'm scared of letting him in. I'm scared of trusting him, and falling for him, and letting him have the part that is most precious to me. I always had this idea that I would give away my heart, my whole being, before I gave away my body. That my body would be the hardest part to give away. But it wasn't. Giving that away came with ease. There are times where I really don't even feel anything when I give him myself, and I'm terrified for him to know that.

I don't know if any of this is normal. If it's normal to be cautious about one's feelings and one's heart... or at least to exercise caution to this extreme. Or if it's normal to count on his feelings for you changing so that you can't be burnt when they do.

I feel like some teeny-bopper just entering the world of dating, so unsure of everything. And in a way, I probably am like that. This is all new to me. I don't even know how a proper relationship is supposed to function. But I guess that's part of the journey. Learning from the mistakes and taking things as they go.

Finding my footing

Premarital sex is a sin.

I've grown up knowing that; having it nailed into my entire being. You do not have sex before you are married.

Sex is an act of worship between a man and his wife, celebrating the one-ness God gave them.

I knew this struggle would come. The moment I made my decision to start having sex with the bf, I knew there would be a point where I would have to figure out how this is going to mesh with my relationship with the Big Guy.

I've chosen to partake in something He has called sin. I'm willingly doing it. So how do I span that gap between God and myself, and keep a thriving relationship?

I've known Christians far stronger than me who have had sex, continue to do so, and yet are right on track with God. So how do I get to that point?

I know God's not going to turn away from me for this one choice. But now I have to wonder, am I separating myself from Him out of the guilt of knowing I'm doing something wrong? If that is the case, how do I move past that?

There are those I've known who have suggested that by blatantly choosing to do the opposite of what God asked, I am choosing to abandon my faith and committment to God. Yet Daniel, one of God's favourites did the same, and he still managed to keep God's favour.

I suppose like everything else in life it's a learning curve. But right now, the guilt is eating me up inside; not so much that I've given up my virginity, but that I'm lacking the guilt that should accompany.