I'm afraid to let myself believe that this is really happening. People talk about that fuzzy rainbows and butterfly phase as being something normal to every relationship. I haven't felt that since... well, since I got my heart ripped out, shredded into pieces and handed back to me nearly four years ago.
It's because of sunshine and rainbows that I stopped dating. From what I've seen, they're dangerous.
But this isn't so much about the danger of them, as it is an admittance of fear based around the fact that I now find myself incapable of feeling them even a little bit. I'm realizing it's possible that in my quest to stop myself from getting my heart stomped on because of my fairytale idea of romance that I perhaps went too far, numbing myself to being able to really feel at all.
I know I am definitely in like with my boyfriend. But I find myself shutting my emotions off before I even realize it. I wait for and prepare for the worst. Dwelling on the 'if we're together then' to keep my thoughts and emotions in check.
And perhaps, I read too much into his actions or lack-thereof in a way to feed into my defence mechanism of preparing for the worst.
The truth is, I'm scared of letting him in. I'm scared of trusting him, and falling for him, and letting him have the part that is most precious to me. I always had this idea that I would give away my heart, my whole being, before I gave away my body. That my body would be the hardest part to give away. But it wasn't. Giving that away came with ease. There are times where I really don't even feel anything when I give him myself, and I'm terrified for him to know that.
I don't know if any of this is normal. If it's normal to be cautious about one's feelings and one's heart... or at least to exercise caution to this extreme. Or if it's normal to count on his feelings for you changing so that you can't be burnt when they do.
I feel like some teeny-bopper just entering the world of dating, so unsure of everything. And in a way, I probably am like that. This is all new to me. I don't even know how a proper relationship is supposed to function. But I guess that's part of the journey. Learning from the mistakes and taking things as they go.
Have you experienced a heavy duty heartbreak before?
ReplyDeleteIf yes. That answers it. I mean, the fear of letting him in.
If you haven't yet, then it's normal! These are the things we need to encounter in life... we got to let people in, enjoy life with them, cry with them, be happy with them, ache with them...
You are right, it aint about butterflies, rainbows, lollipops, and roses! --- sometimes, it could be thorns --- but we still got to move forward to get there...