I've tried to talk myself up in all this to convince myself that I'm okay; that God and I are cool, and that everything is fine.
The truth is, I'm a wreck. I'm not happy. It's not that I'm not happy with him, because I am. He makes me happier than any guy I've ever been with. But I'm not happy when it comes to the physical portion.
I feel sick whenever we fool around, and the thought of having sex has gone past being something of excitement, and to a point where it's actually a complete turn-off.
I don't know how to explain all this to him. I don't even know how to explain it myself.
I feel like I'm falling apart.
An online friend e-mailed me recently about my posts. We've discussed back and forth a little bit what I've been suggesting through them, and I told her I wanted her to be completely honest with me. And she was. Honest enough that I got a virtual slap in the face hard enough that it actually forced me to stop ignoring my gut.
The truth is... I've been struggling for a while. Even between these posts and the attempt at humour with the whole thing. I figured if I just kept convincing myself that I want it this way and that I'm happy, I would believe it.
My friend wrote:" I do, however, deeply believe that there's no place for mediocre Christianity. Yeah, there're always going to be mistakes. I'd be the biggest hypocrite to pretend I don't make them every single day. But they're mistakes. God asks us to strive to follow him in every step. That's what concerned me so much about your writing. If you're not going to choose to try follow Christ's teaching, why bother pretending to be a Christian in the first place?"
And that's where the tonne of bricks came in. Isn't that the very message that I have strived to follow? Isn't that the very reason I rant and rave about the way so many in the church behave? Yet there I am, stumbling into the same category as the people who drive me up the wall.
I'm scared. I'm scared to sit down and tell the boyfriend that I can't do the sex thing anymore. I'm scared because I know he's not going to understand. He's not going to be able to understand the whole striving for purity and serving God through it. And what's worse is that I chose to start having sex with him, and now for him, I'm cutting him off completely.
How did I get this far so fast? How did I get so quickly knocked off course?
If I'm to be completely honest. I think that message is ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteWhy do you think God is against sex? Why do you think that he's not okay with it?
Why would your body be made to find pleasure in sex if you may only use that to have children?
Do you actually think that we should bring 19 children (and counting) like the Duggars into this world?
I think we are in this world for our connections we make with other people, our family, our friends and our lovers.
Sex is passionate. Sex is an act of love between two people that deeply care for one another. Sex is a connection.
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years and our roughest times have been when we have stopped having sex. When we didn't feel that connection.
My mom has always told me that sex is vital in a relationship, and my parents have been HAPPILY married for 29 years this weekend. Of all our family members and their friends that have been divorced, one of the first things to go is the sex.
To say it's wrong is beyond me.
When is the last time God came and told someone what to do? I find it funny that the scriptures in the bible are from thousands of years ago, yet nothing new has been said since.
I just think religion should modernize, and people should butt out of the bedroom, a sacred act between two people who care for one another.
@ Amy -- I think you're misunderstanding what I'm saying. I'm not saying sex is bad or that it's wrong. I do in fact believe sex is a marvellous thing, and that we were created as sexual beings. I certainly don't believe it's just for procreation and that no pleasure at all should be had in it.
ReplyDeleteQuite the opposite.
But I do believe there is a time and a place. I believe it is vital for a relationship, but within marriage.
There is no connection for me with the sex. None, whatsoever.
Clearly you and I also have varying views on what Christianity is. For me it's much more than 'religion', and it's not about a set of rules. I do believe God is very real and very active in our lives.
And because of the way *I*, as in myself and myself alone, am feeling about the sex, it is causing me to disconnect myself from God, and my relationship with God is the most important thing in my life.
I am not 'butting' into anyone's bedroom but my own, and my friend certainly was not butting into my bedroom nor addressing that portion.
As a Christian, God isn't 'butting' into the bedroom either; sex is supposed to be something that involves Him. An act of worship that is so powerful and so incredible because it's the complete giving of one another to each other mind, body and soul. Something so complete that when you give it outside of marriage, it has the potential to shatter you when it ends.
And even going beyond that, it bothers me because my boyfriend and I aren't at that point of deep caring/love for one another. Heck,we're not even sure if it's 100% the right thing yet. And that there bothers me, because I'm not committing myself mind body and soul, and I can't do one without the other and not feel repurcussions because of who I am.
Just acouple of thoughts...
ReplyDeleteWas very interested by your dilemma. It's been interesting to read your progression from acceptance and excitement about having sex to your feelings about it now.
Personally, whenever I have felt disgusted by having sex with a gf it's usually been a sign that I don't really have strong feelings for this particular woman (even though we may have been getting along ok).
So my question is: is it going to be one or the other? Do you have to choose between God & sex/this boy or do you think the two can mutually exist in a way which allows you to be happy?